Those two things are all I feel like I ever do any more. I go to school, come home, sleep for 3 or 4 hours, eat dinner, do homework, go back to bed, repeat it all the next day. Weekends aren't that different. Usually I'll wake up, do a few things, maybe play a game or two, and just sleep. Like today. I got up, took mom to work, ate breakfast, slept for a few hours, ate lunch, got a shower, slept some more until about 9. I just feel like I'm wasting my days but there just doesn't seem like anything that's important enough and sleeping allows me to pass the time quickly so I can just move on to my next mandatory thing. Guess that's how it goes when you don't feel like your life has any real meaning at the time. That's when we move on to regret.
The regret comes from choosing the major I did and, lately, I feel like I'm regretting a lot more than that. I'm even starting to regret decisions that I made in order to prevent myself from feeling this regret. For example, I had a copy of Batman: Arkham City reserved at Game Stop. Well, I went to pay fifty dollars on it today only to find out I'd still have to pay about ten more dollars when I picked it up (bringing the total cost, after adding in the five I put down to reserve it, to $65.) Well, in order to keep some of my now dwindling money, upon hearing that I decided to cancel my preorder completely. That means that if I get the game I get no alternate costume or Joker Carvinal challenge map and decided to just tell mom to put it on my Christmas list. Just now I was thinking about this choice more and more and now I'm filled with regret because I have been looking forward to that game for so long that for a while I just wanted this Tuesday to get here and now I'm not even getting the game.
There have been quite a few other things added into the cocktail of bad vibes that I've been drinking in lately. I can't really describe it but I just feel, in general, like shit all the time. Again, just like my life doesn't really have that much meaning right now. The one thing that I actually had to look forward to I have now completely erased, which means that all that remains is the end of the semester so I can tell the Comm professors and students that I don't like to suck it. Yeah...because THAT'S a really positive thing to look forward to. Getting out of something you don't like. Not like prison where you at least gain your freedom but more like having the annoying relative that just won't leave finally go home.
My family doesn't really help matters much either. I mean my parents have actually asked me if anything is wrong, since they've noticed a shift in my behavior (the sleeping and over all 'down in the dumps'-ness) but it's more than just that. I recently found out from my grandma that my uncle, the uncle whom I look up to the most and have wanted to be like for more years than I can remember, is smoking a certain substance that he did when he was younger and we suspect he may be drinking agin, even though he shouldn't be due to his physical health. Great. Way to go and just completely shatter everything that I thought you were and disregard the two or three times you literally almost died. My other uncle had really bad pneumonia this summer and can barely work to pay bills. It doesn't help that my cousin and his wife live with him and my aunt yet barely contribute anything. Only recently did my uncle finally start making him pay for shit.
I mean seriously.
My cousin was at my grandma's with all of us on her birthday and didn't even say anything to anyone the entire time. This includes not saying 'happy birthday' to my grandma although his wife and 5 year old daughter both told him to. He's another family member I used to look up to as a hero. Now he's just a complete asshat bag of dicks whom I'd like to throw through a wall so that he will finally get his shit together. But enough about that little rant. I could go all night and it's already 3:30 in the AM.
I just can't really explain it. I don't think I'm clinically depressed or anything so don't worry about that. I've just got an extreme case of the "sleepy sadness" that I need to get over. The only problem is that not much is helping. I got to see some great friends that I missed (seriously Kristan, I know you probably heard it like 50 million times when you were here but seeing you was just what I needed at the time) but all that's just short term cheerings up. What bothers me is that no matter how good of days I've had lately, I always seem to sink back into the hole. I'm just tryin to dig my way out, which is admittably going to take quite a while. So bear with me guys. Ol' Levi's gonna be kinda rough for a while, but hopefully I can kick out of this funk I'm in. Then it's fantasy good times all the way.
A sincere thank you to all of my friends that read this. You're all incredible people and I am truly lucky to have met every single one of you.
In the immortal words of the great Jason Mewes.
Snooch to the Nooch.
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